I'm sorry

Woken up by the sound of anguish and pain filled screams, the sound has filled the room like a thick smoke, surrounding me, burning my throat and attacking my lungs, my eyes tightly shut as though that would drown them out. It is at this point, I realise the screams are my own.

My nights are haunted by the memories I wish to forget. The pain I wish would forget me.

My sleep has once again begun to bleed into my wake, I open my tear filled eyes to see yours staring back, your beautiful orbs so full of sorrow.

I can see, you're still suffering.

Your arms are wrapped around me as you press against my chest, holding me where I wake, a heavy weight on my heart.

I feel the warmth of you, it surrounds me, seeping through my senses, I try to fight it but a part of me wants your embrace even as it stains my skin crimson.

My tears begin to fall, my throat closes up as fear takes over, I know what's next, what is coming and no matter how hard I try to drown you out, it is inevitable.

I close my eyes, hold my breath as my heart races, listening to the intensified pounding from my chest, trying to let it take over my senses, to fill my head like an echo of drums.

It isn't enough.

It is never enough.

The sound of my heart begins to fade away as I hear you, the shallow attempts of filling your lungs, the guttering sound of blood as it spills from your throat is all that exist now.

The warmth that has taken to my skin, I remember it so well, but it isn't your embrace, no, it seeps along my skin, pooling beneath us and even with my eyes still shut, I see the pool of blood that I have woken within.

I want to help, to hold you in these final moments, I wish I had done so all those years ago.

I want to scream for help, to be what you needed but I didn't know how to be and that has never changed.

I have relived this moment so many times, wished I could have changed it, prevented it but I wasn't strong enough. I could never be enough.

My body, paralysed by the memory of you. My mind, haunted by this moment.

I lay here in pain, my tears blurring my vision, I lay here an hour, two, waiting for the moment to fade back into a memory. For the feeling to come back to my body, any ounce of strength as to flee the blood soaked bed only I can see.

I relive this moment.. over, again and again throughout the last fourteen years, I've relived it in my sleep, when I wake, seeing your face wherever I go.

In the streets, I see you watching me from the shadows, taking over others forms.

I hear you in the wind, your voice, your laughter and your cries taking over the world around me.

And as much as I plan ahead, knowing that today, I would see you for sure, ! could never be ready, never prepare enough as once again, my heart turns to dust.

Here, I stand in the early hours of rain, the city coming to life in the distance as I take solitude somewhere we both once loved. I hide here, writing this very poem as I think of you.

I hope my words can reach you, that you know I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I couldn't do more, I'm sorry I didn't wake up sooner. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to stop you.

What I would give to have taken your place, I still cannot accept that you, no, that the both of you had left me behind.

I miss you. I love you. I'm sorry.