The fine line between a dream and a nightmare

I reach out, searching for an escape, a door, a window, anything. Yet, I only feel the cold walls shrouded from view as they hold me imprisoned.

Why does it have to be so dark, so bitter and lonely, why am I always alone?

The thoughts begin to pile up, one after another, pictures, memories, fleeting moments of happiness and suddenly, it all dawns on me.

It becomes clear how these thoughts aren't there to support, but to drown me, reminders of what I no longer have, of what I couldn't keep.

The loss no longer just hurts, it torments me.

It plunges into me like a knife through the heart, pinning me down as I am forced to watch a strange reel of faces, the people I love most who I failed to keep close.

The woman I love, married already.

The one I lost, her blood forever on my hands

The son I cherish, who calls another, "Dad".

Their smiles that have always brought me joy can also destroy me.

Their laughter that lifted me, I miss it so much.

The love that they showed, I fear now, is for others.

Fifteen years later and I still wake, expecting to find her limp in my arms, her blood stained my hands crimson, something that only I can seem to perceive.

Love is beautiful.

And yet, it can also be painful.

I am haunted by the love I long for, the love I still hold deep in my heart.

Perhaps, just by chance, I could see her once again.

And with that thought, the darkness and the fog that surrounds me begins to fade.

Its with that moment, a light starts to grow.

The cold room, it still has no doors, no windows or holes and yet, I see an exit.

A chair is revealed and above it, a rope.

I'm lost, alone and confused, but there's a glimmer of hope.

Is this hope? Or just a desperate departure?

I'm too tired to know anymore, too hurt to think twice.

I stand on the chair, surprised by the warmth that the rope offers as it embraces.

Don't look at me like that, I know this is wrong.

I know what I'm dreaming, what I consider a hope is never the answer, and never a choice.

But in this moment of sleep, I topple the chair from beneath my feet.

I feel the embrace of the twine as it takes to my throat.

I watch as a light flickers from view, the darkness is there still but its no longer painful.

The struggle is quick but the moment is lasting, a moment of freedom, of peace as I fade from this dream world.

I wake with a gasp, a desire for air.

Taking as much as I possibly can, feeling each breath, tainted with guilt.

Another day alone, with nobody beside me.

Nobody to help, pull this knife from my heart.

The thought of that freedom, that will forever be out of my reach.

I wake with the tears as they burn down my cheeks. Leaving a dream, to wake in a nightmare.